People are often surprised when they find out that a belly dancer is an introvert, shy, or socially anxious. “But you danced at that big event in front of all those people,” they say. Well sure, but I didn’t have to TALK to those people. I’m a lot more confident in my ability to perform a beautiful dance than I am in my ability to carry on a normal conversation.
I mentioned in my big Tribal Massive Recap that I had some moments of sadness and loneliness during the Massive. This happens to me a lot because I almost always travel alone, and I’m slow to make new friends. It really hit home for me after the Massive Showcase. I sat with people I didn’t know, who knew each other, and they talked a bit with me but mainly to each other. After the show I saw some of my friends from past events in the crowd, but they were all talking to other people. I literally found myself alone in a crowd of people, surrounded by people who were talking to each other while I felt totally isolated. I found myself asking “What am I even doing here?” and determined that I should just leave the casino and stand outside, alone, waiting for the shuttle. Luckily while I was slinking off, one of my classmates saw me and invited me to go grab some pizza with her and her friend while we waited, thus cutting my self-destructive spiral off before it could go too far, but I was feeling pretty low.
I’d say this happens at least once per event that I attend alone — I’ll either find myself feeling alone in a crowd, or once again eating dinner by myself and wishing I was sharing this amazing event with someone. It can often feel like everyone else is there with their troupe, or their best friend, or reconnecting with dancers they’ve met at previous events, and here I am, not just the only one from my town, but the only one from my entire STATE.
Of course, I realize that some of this is my own making. Because I’m shy, I wait for other people to approach me and then when they don’t, I think it’s because I’m not cool enough for them, or they don’t like me, without thinking that maybe they’re just as shy and lonely and thinking the same thing about me.
I’m starting to discover that this is one reason why I like events like the Massive, and 8 Elements and Mira’s NM Retreat. When I’m around the same 20 or so people for a week, I have time to warm up to them. I can see who giggles at a teacher’s sci-fi reference, or likes the same song I do, or shows up wearing a cool pair of green pants that I can comment on. And because we’re together for a week, there’s more chances to attach myself to a group that’s going to lunch together or otherwise make myself part of the gang.
I also really enjoy Waking Persephone, because while it’s more of a festival-style event, it’s still smaller than a TF or LVBDI so you see a lot of the same people over and over again in your workshops or in the halls… and the organizers recognize that a lot of nerdy, Gothy dancers who are drawn to an event like WP are also shy, awkward, and used to being “the weird one” at other dance events, so there’s a lot of ice breaker style moments, as well as a chill lounge to escape to when it gets to be too much.
I feel like this problem is something that it will take me a while to overcome. I hope that someday, I’ll be able to be the sort of dancer who is quick to introduce herself, quick to welcome someone new to the class, and quick to feel comfortable at an event full of strangers, but until that day comes I have to fight against the urge to withdraw and get even more anti-social when I decide, for no good reason, that I’m unwelcome or not good enough.
Fellow introvert dancers, feel free to share your struggles in the comments section. We’re all in this together!
I can identify with so much of what you just wrote. If I’m ‘in charge’ or otherwise involved in the behind the scenes activities for the event it helps tremendously but otherwise, I become a wallflower and get super isolated. I can’t imagine a week long experience by myself- I’d be so over-socialized!
ReplyThe key to surviving a week-long dance experience is to have a place you can retreat to at the end of the day! For instance, when I was at the Mira Betz retreat I started out in a room with 2 other people but within a few days I was in a casita by myself because there was a bunch of roommate shuffling and the casita was full of bugs and I was like “I’ll hang out with the creepy crawlies, sure!” 😉
ReplyI’m actually shy but most don’t believe it because I’m so sparkly. I have a fear that people won’t like me or they are just going to pretend for some reason or another. I have felt very alone at festivals recently and luckily the last time my buddies of Anaya were there to get me over my funk.
ReplySparkles are clearly the perfect camouflage for disguising yourself as an introvert!
I have the same worry about people not liking me, and just pretending because we’re all at the event together, or because they’re a vendor and I’m a customer. I have a hard time judging, too, whether someone wants to actually be friends with me or is just politely friendly as a social lubricant but doesn’t want to spend time with me otherwise.
ReplyOh goodness yes. I have spent many events just doing my own thing in a crowd of people. Sometimes I can get over the seemingly insurmountable hurdle and sometimes I can’t. My favorite way is like we did at LVBDI, room with another introvert so we can be together and not be lonely.
ReplyYes! I love rooming with you because we can go back to the room, chat a bit about our experiences that day, and then each retreat into a book or bath to recharge!
ReplyI find events so exhausting because I have to be *on* all the time. I usually go to bed early, avoiding dormitory-style accommodation if possible. Even if I don’t sleep I can just recombobulate.
ReplyI really identify with that, too! I had two half-days at Massive where I didn’t have class and I just stayed in my AirBnB reading or catching up on FB because I was tired from being “on” in classes!
ReplyFor me, I was really lucky to have discovered the internet when I did – during my formative years. While I am an extreme introvert and actually suffer acute social phobias, I do okay at events. I have no problem introducing myself to other people or starting a conversation. What I learned all those years ago on local BBS systems (28k modems FTW) is that when you get someone talking about themselves, you don’t have to share as much and it isn’t as excruciatingly painful.
Although, I still get people’d out. It’s important to have a retreat of some kind.
ReplyYou’re right, the internet helps a lot! I do better at an event if I see someone that I’ve interacted with a lot online, because then when I introduce myself, I’m saying “Hey, we already know each other, isn’t it cool that we’re at the same place?”
ReplyI felt this exact same way at my last event. I was starting to doubt why I even dance. I have moved to a different state than where I originally danced. I have always integrated easily to a new dance troupe before, but not this time. I tell people I am shy and I get looks! I am great at customer service small talk. I am good at dirty jokes with work guys (once I know it’s acceptable). But put me in a large group of people I don’t know, and forget it. Wallflower. I just can’t strike up conversation. I do little compliments on people’s stuff, but if that didn’t open the convo enough from them, I am clammed.
ReplyIsn’t it weird how people give you a look when you say you’re shy? Why can’t they just accept that you know yourself, and react accordingly?
ReplyOh goodness, yes, I know this feeling well. I used to go to a lot of events by myself because I was the only dancer in my area who travelled to festivals and workshops regularly. I find it very difficult to approach people I don’t know, or invite myself along to social things, and I have all the same fears that they will find me boring/weird, or are just talking to me to be polite.
I agree that smaller, more intimate residential events are easier to deal with than big festivals. There’s more chance to get to know people, and feel included. Especially for things where some of the same people keep coming back every time, so you end up with a group of friends at the event who you see every year. The same goes for recurring workshop series that have a loyal following.
ReplyI miss the days when I had a home studio and would see the same people at workshops 2x a year! Having a loyal, core group really does help — although then you have to remember to make sure that someone reaches out to the newbies!
ReplyThis is me. I’m always so emotionally exhausted after a day at a festival that I retreat to my hotel. I always feel like I should be socializing more or putting myself out there more, and feel crushing guilt for hermitting in my room instead of going out with everyone after a show or workshop. I feel that exact same isolation you describe, taking in the people around you who seem to effortlessly connect with each other.
ReplyNow I feel bad because I was standing near you at LVBDI and I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your dancing and your tattoos, but I was like “Nah, Draconis is too cool to talk to me” 😉 Next time I see you I’ll say hi!
ReplyBoy did you hit the nail on the head. Although I don’t go to many events, do find myself slinking to the back. I always tell myself I’ll try not to do it the next time, I do. Glad to see there are more in the boat with me.
ReplyI think we need “introvert dancer” t-shirts or buttons or something, and we can all slink to the back of class and awkwardly say hi to each other.
ReplyWow, I thank you so very very much for this article! I literally had the feeling I was alone with my lonliness on dance- events. I´m on my own a lot, too and even if I do know quite a bunch of people by now, I only see them on events and actually don´t know them in private. If we meet it´s usually dance related, we talk about dance, workshops and performences and so on and that´s it. But I´m not a smalltalky person. I like deep and personal conversations, which I usually don´t get with people I only know casually. So I struggle with connecting to people a lot and that leaves me isolated and feeling lonely especially when I see how (seemingly) connected EVERYbody else is. Now reading this is not actually the case is a big relieve and maybe I will be a little bit more relaxed about that and my own awkwardness 🙂
ReplyAs you can see from all of these comments, you are definitely not alone!
It can be really hard to move beyond the superficial level at dance events. That’s another benefit to the intensive structure, when you spend more time around your classmates, you get more comfortable and people will be more likely to move beyond just talking about class, and get more into deep conversations.
ReplyOh my gosh, you are soooo singing my song! Fun fact, I’ve wanted to say hi to YOU when I’ve seen you at TF in the past, but felt you were too cool to want to talk to little old me! Isn’t it funny how inside our own heads we get? Maybe we should start a new festival for shy, awkward dancers that forces us to talk to each other :-p
ReplyOh Rachel, I’m seriously the least cool person ever! You can come up to say “Hi” to me at any event and I will do the awkward “OMG I can’t believe someone reads my blog!” thing 🙂
Waking Persephone really is good at making the shy, awkward dancers talk to each other. I think more events should have a kind of pre-event ice breaker party where you can meet each other in a low-key way.
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