People are often surprised when they find out that a belly dancer is an introvert, shy, or socially anxious. “But you danced at that big event in front of all those people,” they say. Well sure, but I didn’t have to TALK to those people. I’m a lot more confident in my ability to perform a beautiful dance than I am in my ability to carry on a normal conversation.
I mentioned in my big Tribal Massive Recap that I had some moments of sadness and loneliness during the Massive. This happens to me a lot because I almost always travel alone, and I’m slow to make new friends. It really hit home for me after the Massive Showcase. I sat with people I didn’t know, who knew each other, and they talked a bit with me but mainly to each other. After the show I saw some of my friends from past events in the crowd, but they were all talking to other people. I literally found myself alone in a crowd of people, surrounded by people who were talking to each other while I felt totally isolated. I found myself asking “What am I even doing here?” and determined that I should just leave the casino and stand outside, alone, waiting for the shuttle. Luckily while I was slinking off, one of my classmates saw me and invited me to go grab some pizza with her and her friend while we waited, thus cutting my self-destructive spiral off before it could go too far, but I was feeling pretty low.
I’d say this happens at least once per event that I attend alone — I’ll either find myself feeling alone in a crowd, or once again eating dinner by myself and wishing I was sharing this amazing event with someone. It can often feel like everyone else is there with their troupe, or their best friend, or reconnecting with dancers they’ve met at previous events, and here I am, not just the only one from my town, but the only one from my entire STATE.
Of course, I realize that some of this is my own making. Because I’m shy, I wait for other people to approach me and then when they don’t, I think it’s because I’m not cool enough for them, or they don’t like me, without thinking that maybe they’re just as shy and lonely and thinking the same thing about me.
I’m starting to discover that this is one reason why I like events like the Massive, and 8 Elements and Mira’s NM Retreat. When I’m around the same 20 or so people for a week, I have time to warm up to them. I can see who giggles at a teacher’s sci-fi reference, or likes the same song I do, or shows up wearing a cool pair of green pants that I can comment on. And because we’re together for a week, there’s more chances to attach myself to a group that’s going to lunch together or otherwise make myself part of the gang.
I also really enjoy Waking Persephone, because while it’s more of a festival-style event, it’s still smaller than a TF or LVBDI so you see a lot of the same people over and over again in your workshops or in the halls… and the organizers recognize that a lot of nerdy, Gothy dancers who are drawn to an event like WP are also shy, awkward, and used to being “the weird one” at other dance events, so there’s a lot of ice breaker style moments, as well as a chill lounge to escape to when it gets to be too much.
I feel like this problem is something that it will take me a while to overcome. I hope that someday, I’ll be able to be the sort of dancer who is quick to introduce herself, quick to welcome someone new to the class, and quick to feel comfortable at an event full of strangers, but until that day comes I have to fight against the urge to withdraw and get even more anti-social when I decide, for no good reason, that I’m unwelcome or not good enough.
Fellow introvert dancers, feel free to share your struggles in the comments section. We’re all in this together!