Yesterday, my afternoon got hijacked by a little blog post titled My Husband Doesn’t Need to See Your Boobs. My first thought, before reading the article, was a cheeky “Well of course he doesn’t need to see them, even my own husband doesn’t need to see my boobs, but hey, boobs are awesome, of course people want to see them.” And note that I say people, not men, because men aren’t alone in liking to look at breasts. Many people find breasts, and the rest of a woman’s curves, objectively beautiful. There’s something very aesthetically pleasing about a body, whether it’s the soft curves of a woman or the chiseled planes of a male athlete.
And that’s what I’d like to talk about today, because much like the bikini-clad young women decried in the above article, belly dancers like me often get accused of dressing immodestly and attracting the attention of other women’s husbands and boyfriends. Well, of course we attract attention, we’re beautiful. And we dress to be beautiful. But we don’t dress to be sexually attractive — that’s a side effect, but the truth is, as a woman, no matter what you’re shaped like and how you’re dressed, someone is going to find you sexy. There were times and cultures where just a glimpse of a woman’s wrist was considered provocative, whereas in our current culture we only notice a wrist if it’s adorned with a nice tattoo or piece of jewelry.
When I dance, I dress to impress. I show my belly, the better to display my torso isolations. I might wear a skirt that hugs my bootie, the better to draw attention to my hips while I do a slow, languid maya. But then again, I might wear a huge, fluffy cotton skirt over billowing pantaloons, to make my spins all that much more showy and impressive. Either way, my intention is to create a beautiful image, an impression of something at once exotic and artistic. The dance would still be beautiful if I did it in sweat pants, but it would lose some of its magic.
There’s this weird idea that when women dress or put on makeup or do our hair to make ourselves more beautiful, we’re only doing it for men. Either we want to attract a man, or we want to make our man feel good about choosing us. As such, it’s obvious that a belly dancer must be showing off her body and wearing 50lbs of stage makeup to seduce a man. Why else would we go to the effort?
But quite simply, I think that women like to feel beautiful for our own sake. Is it wrong to think “My eyes are gorgeous, I should use this shade of eyeliner to really highlight them” or to enjoy smoothing a skirt down the curve of our hips? Is it wrong to be pleased with the size and shape of our breasts, whether we’re happy that they’re still young and perky or nostalgic about the way they sag from when we nursed babies that are now grown to adults? Is it wrong to sit down with a tutorial from Pinterest for a complicated braid, because your hair is finally long enough and you’ve always wanted to try that style? I don’t think it is.
Likewise, when I meet up with one of my female friends, whether it’s to grab lunch or to get ready for our show backstage, and I say “You look great” I’m not saying “Damn girl! You are going to seduce the hell out of someone tonight!” I’m saying “You know what? I find you to be objectively beautiful. You go girl, great job picking that skirt.”
We’ve long known that the human form was objectively beautiful. If it wasn’t, instead of the Venus de Milo we’d have a lovely sculpture of some flowers.
Proponents of the modesty culture like to say that once a man has seen an image, he can’t unsee it. Well, I believe that. I can’t unsee some horribly graphic pictures that friends have posted on Facebook, and I wish I could. But I don’t wish that I could unsee the Venus de Milo, or Mira Betz stepping on stage “dressed like the Queen of Sheba” as she likes to say, or me and my friends wearing bikinis and eating pizza. Why would anyone want to unsee those things? I think that our society needs to spend less time policing women’s modesty, and more time learning to differentiate between beauty and seduction.
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I love your last sentence. Exactly! I’ve blogged a couple of times on sex and sensuality in belly dance, and don’t like to see knicker- and nipple-flashing, face-pulling, finger-sucking (I kid you not!) passed off as belly dance, as it feeds the stereotype of the ‘sexy belly dancer’ (even though doing this is so not sexy). But most dancers don’t do this, and those who consider someone well-dressed, made up and dancing gracefully to be immodest perhaps need a reality check!
Thank you Melanie, I’m glad you liked it!
I’ve seen some fun and tasteful bellydance/burlesque fusion, but the they there is that it has to be tasteful, and usually playful and cheeky rather than sexual, as part of a Vaudeville themed number, and yes, there definitely shouldn’t be knickers and nipples being flashed.
I would like to respectfully disagree. I personally am a nudist, and I believe that even if a woman were dancing while fully naked, that she is STILL not necessarily trying to be sexy. Instead, she is reveling in her body and the power of the dance. I actually think there should be more nude belly dancing. It does not sexualize a woman, rather I believe it empowers her. It (nude belly dancing) fills her with confidence and shows that confidence off for the world to see.
I realize that almost everyone finds confidence to be sexy, and so a nude woman dancing with confidence can be considered sexy, but that is probably not her intent. Just as it is not your intent to please men when you dress. I feel that it should not matter if a woman is fat, thin, fully dressed, or completely naked as she dances so long as she is dancing to please herself and sharing her self-confidence with the world, and saying that she should not be showing knickers or nipples only reinforces the idea that women should conform to standards imposed by others.
I’m sorry if I offended as that was not my intent,
Have a happy day,
Roxanne
Hi Roxanne!
Let’s start with the most important thing: I am definitely not offended and in fact I appreciate your opinion.
I’m not going to lie, I have done some naked belly dance practice at home when it was hot and I didn’t feel like wearing yoga pants! I think it’s actually a really good exercise to let you truly see how everything is moving (well, everything that you can see in the mirror at least). That said, even if our society in general was capable of recognizing the fact that a woman can be naked for non-sexual reasons, I would still prefer to wear a costume to dance in. I feel like a well-chosen costume enhances the movement. It also conceals the fact that our legs look a little weird in dance posture, and especially if we’re doing a knee-driven shimmy
That said, if you are in a situation where nudity is accepted and understood and you want to perform some belly dance? More power to you. In the right situation, you should do basically whatever you want naked (with the exception of arc welding, bacon frying and anything else that might be too hazardous for your naked skin).
My issue is not with the idea of nudity, but that when one does flash some nipple or panty in belly dance, it is *usually* done in a flirtatious manner that is suggestive of stripping or burlesque. And while those are both valid dance forms that I’m cool with (I’ve performed as a belly dancer at a burlesque show and enjoyed watching the other dancers get mostly-naked), I do agree with the prevailing opinion that confusion between the two of them often harms belly dance. If people think that belly dance involves stripping, it unfortunately makes it difficult for belly dancers to get accepted into family-friendly community events that they would like to perform at.
That is not to say that there are not rare occasions where a belly dancer can show nipple or panty and have it not be sexual. I could certainly see nudity being acceptable in a by dancers, for dancers show, in a piece that was making some sort of statement. At Tribal Fest I saw a woman who had apparently had a mastectomy dance with the area where her breast used to be bared. It made a really powerful impact on me.
In summation, I hope that you understand that it was definitely not my intention to say that nudity is always sexual and that nudists can’t belly dance, only that unfortunately our society as a whole is currently too stupid to handle that idea in a general audience.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts!
-Sophia
I loved your post. I read it, then felt compelled to read the post that spurred yours.
2 things:
– I agree and support your position 100%. I think it is more important for women with “less than flawless” bodies/attributes to find the aspect they feel is beautiful and highlight it. There are too many pressures and ideals on what is perfect, or beautiful, that women need to take a stand and love themselves, as they are. I personally, would never say I’m the best dressed, but my confidence always soars when I mysteriously put together a great outfit, shoes, accessories that really have a “pop” to them. I’m not putting the outfit together with a purpose of becoming a mistress or breaking up anyone’s relationship.
– The woman who wrote the “Boobs” article needs to embrace her stretch marks – as those are representative of bringing human life into the world. She needs to trust her husband. I, for one, acknowledge and appreciate that my significant other might find aspects or qualities of other people attractive. Rather than shun him from ever looking above the pavement if we are out in public, I understand he is a human being. I think the flip side to her coin, is she failed to mention or acknowledge that just as women post “revealing” photos on social media, does she have no shirtless men on her facebook wall? What does she do when a hot-bodied young man’s photo is on display? I think there’s a bit of a double standard in her post.
Overall – I applaud you (and others like you) for training in an art such as belly dancing, then having the comfort and self-confidence in a world full of nay-sayers and critics to feel good about yourselves.
Keep it up. There should be more women like you.
Thank you so much Sara!
I’m with you, there’s nothing better than the feeling of pulling together a cute outfit, whether it’s for daily life or stage wear. Knowing that you look good is just such a confidence booster, and I think that everyone should dress in a way that makes them feel happy, no matter their size, age, gender or relationship status. For me, sometimes that means short-shorts and a camisole, and sometimes it means a long, flowy maxi dress!
The author of the original post may well be of the school of thought that women aren’t visual, so it doesn’t matter if she sees the occasional topless hunk. I mean, who has time to dwell on that when you’re worried so much about bikini girls?
So Say We All!
Thanks 😉
I’m afraid the author of that article has more issues than just body image. She describes in detail how she came to agree with her father’s Puritan attitudes on wearing clothing that might tempt others to sinful thoughts, or worse yet, verbal appreciation.
Yes, that kind of teaching in your formative years can really do long-lasting damage. I was exposed to some of that sort of thinking when I was a teenager, and while it didn’t have as much impact on my own self-image, it did make me think less of women in “immodest dress” well into my early twenties. I’m pretty ashamed of some of the things I thought and even said aloud back then and am glad that I’ve learned better since then.
Love this poem, Diane Wakoski’s Belly Dancer:
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/176001
That is a beautiful poem and I’d never read it before! Thank you so much for sharing it. Everyone, go read it!
If I am putting on clothing that shows off my body, it is NOT to seduce a man, or get the attention of men. I am doing it because I want to feel beautiful for ME, and because I am proud of the progress I have made, getting from a size 22 to a size 12, and losing 70lbs.
As a large breasted woman, no matter what I wear, my breasts will take center stage. Why shouldn’t I make them look as nice as possible? They are going to get stared at, even in the baggiest tshirt I own (and that’s pretty damned baggy ftr).
I’ve been told to my face, while wearing said baggy tshirt and a sports bra, not a flattering look by the way, that I was being immodest, because my boobs stick out. I can’t help it, that’s how I’m built. At least in a nice bra, and a nice shirt, I feel beautiful, and more confident.
Thank you for this. I needed this today
I’m so glad that this was just what you needed, just when you needed it
The person who made that comment to you… don’t they realize that, in general, boobs stick out? And that we have no way of retracting them? What exactly are you supposed to do? Bind them tightly every day? Get a costly surgery to reduce them? I much prefer your idea of wearing a nice bra and a nice shirt and accepting what you’ve got and realizing it’s nothing to be ashamed of
Wow. She was being rude because her words were coming out.
“I didn’t wear this thing for your husband, chickie. Your old man’s hangups are not my problem. Buh-bye!”
Wear what you want. Wear what makes you feel beautiful. And dance the way the dance was intended–for the pure joy and beauty!
There’s no better reason or way to dance!
Great post! I couldn’t agree more that most women don’t go to the effort of getting dressed up for the purpose of seducing a man. When I’m getting ready, I dress for myself first, other women second, and men third, if at all.
The ONLY time I dress up with a man in mind is if I’m going out on a date with my husband and I think “Oh, he liked this dress last time I wore it, and I like it too, so that seems like a good choice.”
This is all good. But there’s one expression that the OP keeps using, that makes no sense: “objectively beautiful”.
There is no such thing as objective beauty. “Beautiful” is not a characteristic that can be defined or measured in physical terms like “boiling” or “hard” or “sharp” or “wet”. Rather, it’s like “delicious”, a person’s judgment based on their reactions to something. The fourth sentence— Many people find breasts, and the rest of a woman’s curves, objectively beautiful— puts the contradiction right out in the open: Whatever “many people find” to be so is by definition subjective, not objective.
This doesn’t affect the logic or the argument as I see it. But I wonder what the OP is talking about when she says it.
OP here!
I had an internal debate on whether to use the term “objectively beautiful” because I realize that beauty is of course a subjective thing. But I decided to exercise some poetic license and use “objectively” to emphasize the fact that the things I was discussing where things that are widely agreed to be beautiful by the majority of our particular society. Objective by consensus rather than truly objective, if you will.
Of course, had I realized that so many people would eventually read this post, I would have taken more care to be exact in my word usage. I didn’t expect this to go much beyond my immediate circle of friends so I shrugged it off. I certainly hope that I’m not contributing to objectively’s downfall. I’d hate to see it become the new literally, suddenly synonymous with its opposite.
So now you know what I was talking about. Hope that helps
That makes sense. And this («had I realized that so many people would eventually read this post») is what happens on the Web.
Lesson learned
I like that you used the description “objectively” – take away personality and interaction, and at the core of it all you are looking at a beautiful thing when you look at the result of three hours getting into hair, make up, and costume. Obviously that “thing” is a human being, and to treat her as a “thing” is offensive. But looking at a bellydancer is like looking at a beautiful painting. A painting is an object, it is neither male nor female, and it is objectively beautiful. Did the artist create the painting to please one gender and not the other?
I like your interpretation, and you’re right, with some exceptions, most art is created just to express beauty, not to specifically appeal to one specific gender.
Course I’m sexy when I belly dance
I’m confident! Confident in how I look, In what I’m doing, the great people that are around me and because I know I’m I going to put in a great show! Mostly because I know I’m the person that’s up there doing it.
So damn right I’m sexy! And I’m confident. And I’m loving what I do. If that makes me sexy then I have no problems with that but it’s all for me. Any one else is just a side effect.
YES! So well-said.